The Pros and Cons of Spanking

In Chapter 12, we read about the effects of spanking on children. I personally believe that spanking is not a effective form of punishment and can cause damage for the children in the long run. Spanking is more of punishment than a method of teaching. It generates feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, and anger within the child. It leads the child to accept violence and those who are spanked are more likely than others to become physically abusive. It also makes parents into people of power rather than of love. I believe that spanking can hurt the child's self esteem. If a child obeys out of fear, they don't do things because it is the right thing to do, but because they are afraid of the consequences. 

Stay Home Moms

This week we read an article called Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind For A Mop? It was interesting to me because I grew up in an inactive family and they had different opinions from the church regarding women going to work and raising families. I was taught that a woman needs to work and that staying home with the kids is a huge mistake. I believe that women should stay home with their kids, but I still feel slightly conflicted because of what my family taught me. I want to establish a career, but I know that is not the best option with a family and I would do whatever is best for my family. The world really looks down upon stayhome moms, but in reality, stayhome moms are doing a great good to society because they are raising a generation of kids with higher values and morals. I believe that the most noble thing a woman can do is to raise her children in righteousness and it is much easier to do if she stays home with them. I noticed that my mom was always discouraged because in the world's eyes she was "just" a stay home mom and I know that she wishes she made something of herself outside of the home. In reality, the best place for her to be was at home with me and my sister where she taught us important life lessons

Mixed Families and Divorce

This week we talked a lot about mixed families and divorce. Something we learned that really comforted me was that the more religious a couple is, the better their chance of having a good marriage and therefore, they are less likely to have a divorce. We talked about why this is and decided that a huge part of it is charity.   At church, we learn the importance of charity and learn to love others for their flaws and serve them openly which creates a greater love in a marriage. We also learned that in a blended family, it takes about two years to achieve normalcy within the family regarding how to manage the children and figure things out. The biological parent needs to heavily discipline their children. The step parent, on the other hand, is supposed to play the part of a good aunt or uncle. It is their job to discipline the children, but they also need to take heed to the biological parent’s ideas and decisions. It is also important for the parents to talk regularly about their values and how they want to handle different situations regarding the children. They need to mutually establish rules and boundaries that work for both parents. I knew that there were many difficulties regarding blending families, but I didn’t realize how many issues could come up and how hard it can be on the family. As difficult as it may be, if the blended families make it through the struggles, they come out to be incredibly strong. 

Communication Within Marriage

When we are communicating with others, our words send a very small portion of the message. Words only send 14%, the tone sends 35%, and the non-verbal is 51% of the communication. It is interesting to think that when we are texting , we only send 14% of the message and it makes it extremely hard to understand the message and very easy to have a miscommunication. The couples that enjoy the highest levels of success and happiness are the ones that accept their spouse for who they are and do not try to change them. It is also important to have meetings where issues are addressed and problems are solved. A time and place should be set before hand and there should be an agenda to discuss. The meeting should be opened in prayer and when discussing the agenda, the discussion should continue until there is a consensus. We also stated that we should dedicate every apartment and house we live in and it will invite the spirit in. 

Depression and Family Crisis

Within a family, crisis can either be a great or a horrible thing. What we think influences how we feel and it is important to share our experiences with our family and help each other through them. Most of the thoughts that make us miserable are inaccurate and distorted. This also leads to the fact that depression is largely a mindset. Many people that are depressed were abused as children. Some ways to help people that were abused is to let them know that evil is stupid. Some people do stupid things and there isn't always a good reason. They need to know that it isn't their fault and that they couldn't have done anything to deserve it. Lastly, let them know that their spirit was hurt. The reason they feel so hurt is not because they are inadequate but because their spirit was hurt. 

Intimacy Within Marriage

In this section we learned that there are three chemicals released during sex. The dopamine increases excitement, the serotonin increases the sensation of pleasure, and the oxytocin bonds the couple together. Women need to feel safe in order to be intimate, but men often feel the opposite. We also learned that when children witness their parents display their love for each other, it gives the kids more security. Parents also need to teach their children about intimacy. They shouldn't shut their kids down when they ask questions because they will ask someone at school instead and they may learn things the parents wouldn't want them to know. Parents should also not only focus on the physical side of intimacy, but also on the spiritual side. Parents should teach the kids that boys and girls have different body parts and that they should not be touched or seen by others. It is important to teach children the concept of marriage and to respect the opposite sex. 

The Beginning Steps Of Marriage and Having Kids

We learned about the different steps of early marriage. The proposal indicates the way a marriage starts and shows how the marriage will be in the future. If the husband proposes in a caring and thoughtful way, he will most likely carry that through the marriage. The parents should be consulted before getting engaged and it is important to ask for her hand in marriage. 
When planning a wedding, it is important to include your fiance in all of the decisions and to make it mutual. If you plan your wedding without your fiance, that pattern will continue on into the marriage. 
Then, at the beginning of the marriage, it is vital that the couple establishes patterns and learns mutual decision making skills. The living arrangements, such as decorations, should be done with input from both people. The first five years are very fragile and the better team work a couple learns, the happier and stronger their marriage will be. 
A first child can make or break a relationship. In an average couple, the marital satisfaction goes down with each child, but it doesn't have to if you do it right. When the first child is born, a mother's work load goes up by 40% while the fathers's work load only goes up by 30%. When a woman has a baby, it is important to share all the milestones with your spouse. A couple can bond by reading books together and by getting on the same exercise and eating habits. The couple should continue going on dates and shouldn't talk only about the baby. It is important to not have any other people in the delivery room because it can intrude on the bonding between the parents and baby. Something that intrigued me was that three kids are often easier than two. With two, they try to compete with each other for attention, but the three form a subsystem and learn to play with each other and take care of each other. 

Dating- How To Do It Right

The people we date can be a reflection of ourselves and are generally similar to our family. We learned that intentional thoughtful dating is the best way to get to know each other. It is important to "test" the person you are dating to know their work ethic, morals, standards, the way they treat people, how they react to stress, etc. It takes at least three months to get to know someone and it is important to know that person in many different situations. A statement that we were told that I really liked was, "You should never trust someone more than you know them, rely on them more than you trust them, commit at a higher level than you rely on them, and touch them more than you are committed to them." It is important to take a relationship fairly slowly and build a high level of trust and care for the other person. Marriage is for a really long time, eternity in fact, and should be taken seriously and great care and precautions should be taken in order to pick the best possible companion. 

The Differences Between Men and Women

I thought it was interesting to see the differences between Men and Women. Girls and boys react in opposite ways. Girls are sensitive, detail oriented, they navigate with landmarks, they are cooperative, accept help, and are relationship oriented.Boys on the other hand are aggressive, spatially oriented, they navigate with distance, they are competitive, more self reliant, and task oriented. It was cool to learn that women have as much as 5 times more connective tissue between emotional and vocal parts of the brain than men do. Men, on the other hand, have more grey matter than girls which is the processing part of the brain. An interesting fact that we also learned was that boys that are fed more soy can have more qualities like a girl because it is an estrogen plant. 

The Challenges Of Living In Single Parent Families

In class, we learned that single parent families have increased greatly since the 1970's. Often times, children that live in single parent homes do not have the same level of social, emotional, relational, and financial care are children in two-parent homes. Children that grow up in single parent homes are less likely to finish high school and are more likely to get use illicit drugs and to be the victims of abuse.The parent is usually absent in order to work and earn money to support the family and because of that, the children may not have support and there is no one watching them to keep them out of trouble. Families with two parents can give the children that support and stability that may not be there in single parent homes.

Family Systems

In this lesson, we talked about family systems theory and about genograms. The family systems theory states that families can be distinguished with boundaries and that everyone within that family has a specific role. In an ideal family, the parents are next to each other and there is a dotted line drawn around them. The kids are right underneath the parents and they are part of a subsystem. Genograms are detailed family trees that show patterns within the family. They can show things such as medical history or random patterns such as sudden deaths in the family. 

Patterns of Marriage in America

In this lesson, we learned about the patterns of Marriage in America. Something that I thought was extremely interesting was that men and women were polled regarding what is most important to them in their marriage. They both had the same top 5 in exactly the same order with having their spouse be their best friend as the most important thing to them in marriage. We also learned about the exchange theory which talks about how we tend to keep tabs on acts of service in a relationship. When we keep a tally on what we do nice for our spouse and what they do for us, it defeats the purpose of serving and it creates tension and most times it makes us think that our spouse doesn’t do enough for us while we do everything for them. Service in a relationship should be done out of love and we should never keep tally. 

About Me :]

Hi my name is Liza Souders! I am posting on this blog for my Family Relations class I am taking at BYU Idaho. I am a Marriage and Family Studies major and I hope to one day be a Marriage Counselor. I am from Foothill Ranch, California. I was born in Russia though and can speak fluent Russian. I come from a smaller family. I only have one little sister that is 13. My favorite thing to do while I am home is to go to the beach.